Like the two big zits on my face.
Like the unwelcome intruder in me maybe.
Like this space that never felt like me but caught my imagination somewhat I wanted to live in it for a while.
Yellow curtains with a rainbow on the wall.
A happy imagery to accompany you.
And not a lie because you never said anything about the house inside that you are still discovering.
I am off.
Somewhere else.
www.minehopefully.blogspot.com.
Thanks for being with me.
Something unpleasant happened yesterday and it remained in my system for a while. I trained more doggedly than usual in the pool. I felt like there was a fire burning inside me which I didn’t like but couldn’t help. I was trying to put out that fire but at the same time I was starting another one that would like me up and fuel me instead. At that point, my system felt a little confused. Towards the end, the first was gone, the second raging, me happy. By the end, both flames were gone and peace took their place. But the splinters and sparks remain for both, waiting to be reignited. I’d have to fight again today to put up what was that first fire and ignite the second, and finish the day feeling surreal, eager and ready to handle reality. With each victory, the next gets easier. One day the first fire will lose its vitality and I’ll be free from it. And then something else will take its place and I’ll have to put that out as well. I will have to keep fighting. With another fire. Mine.
To Miss AHSF: you rock my 袜子. and ilu(:
I am back in hall and I just got back from a west coast jog.
As you know, I have been in love with running with emu(my ipod), in a way to indulge my mind on some of my runs. You know sometimes, a song passes without you really hearing it, mainly because your mind is preccupied with other thoughts, sometimes day dreams. And then you press the repeat button because you would like to savour it the way you like. And at the end when you are out of time or road to run and have to call both the run and the music to a halt, a song you would really like to listen to comes on. And you think how you would have caught it if not for the repeats, the favour to treasure something while it lasts, and incessant looking(listening) back and reluctance to move forward.
I ran with Rachel’s brick of an ipod last week and this song got me running so happy and free I was practically laughing to myself:
I’m in hall now and it is peaceful and lovely. Though I miss my parents, family, Rachel and baby. It is 13 minutes to midnight, so happy new semester!
I love lingerie shopping at Tangs, where the kind aunties/ladies remind you of shopping with mummy for your first and where you aren’t afraid to say “I don’t know my size” and don’t feel shy when they try to figure it out for you, and can ask the most ignorant and silly questions.
Random thoughts of yesterday:
Life is like a chin up. The hardest is in getting started and pulling through at the end.
-born in the gym in some pain(on the chin up machine, where else heh.)
I’ll never watch another 3 hour long movie in a skimpy dress, the only extra clothing in my bag being a running jersey that is designed to dissipate heat, not retain it. (Avatar was a great show nonetheless. I was tempted to walk out to defrost a little, but didn’t because I didn’t want to miss out any bit. (: )
- @ GV vivo at 12:52 pm.
At 0730, I started my crazy 30minutes on my trainer. And I mean mad-woman crazy. As I spinned I screamed and screeched tunes emanating from my ear phones, complete with out-of-tune-ness and abandon. Folks probably wondered what came onto me, but I felt liberated and happy, I think.
At 1351, I thought, could I borrow some warmth from YOU please?
At 1759, I was cold.
At 1900, I knew we all try our best to share the warmth but each of us has a thermometer calibrated differently. That thought itself was enough to make the reading on mine climb.
At 2000, I felt a breathe of fresh air, alive and that I can bloody do this.
At 2030 and 2200, I had lovely friends who listened and understood or tried their best to. But I realised the essence of living is that some things you just got to do them on your own.
At 2344 I sit here typing this, looking back at my day and dissappointed with myself but determined that tomorrow will not be the same.
At 2350, as I finish this off, I realise I am still a little lost.
Tavistock park, Huddington avenue, SGCC with Rach, Grace and their family
The best count down I have had so far consisting of a near midnight countdown jog, the lovely kent ridge park at night, a lovely friend and her hospitable family and the notable the effervescence of a 15 year old
In tax class(I screwed tax up big time by the way. sigh x many times and story for another day), Prof Stephen Phua asked, how do you determine the profitability and taxability of a business. Conceptually, it is the most accurate to do so upon the cessation of it. But for reasons of the practicalities of tax collection, you break it up into artificial fiscal years and calculate as such, allowing for bringing over of losses to years of profit, to counteract some of the distortions this artificiality might create. Thinking about the significance of new year and how much significance we attach to it, I come to a similar conclusion. Years, both the preceding and impending one, the many that have come and gone and the many that will, are artificial but delineate neat pockets which help us to reflect and look forward to.
At the playground and in the pool at gardens, at a part of Singapore perched on top of Kent Ridge Hill, I witnessed 2009 come to an end. A confused but good year. A battered but not embittered soul, determined in any case. Mixed feelings towards the upcoming(or by now, present one), but hopeful nonetheless.
I went for the biathlon team time trial today. Plan – Meet up with my teammates, especially the girls, do a good hard swim for a reality check as to the state of degeneration of my swim and then a relatively easy marathon paced run that is not going to touch my anaerobic reserves no matter what. During the last 2k, after the last turn, I was excited and wanted to test my final kick and to see if I can pick up the way I used to do and make the boys frown as they complaint “shit she is here”. It took me a lot of concentration and “hold, zhiyun, hold”-s to keep to my plan. As I approached the finishing line, my team mates cheered. I heard, go zhiyun. I heard, come on zhiyun last bit go faster. That moment I thought of many things and that moment I didn’t know quite what to think.
The swim was one of the most exciting I have had with the team by the way. This time round we had a reasonably sized front pack and the first spurt to break away from the rest and the race-like first 400m to see who can drop who were exhilarating. And unlike during a race I was there with no stress or expectations. Just a lot of fun.
Coming back from a knee injury that is still not yet completely history. I am apprehensive. Unlike last season, more eyes are on me now. And of course there are my own. I am not quite sure what I want, not quite sure how to go about it, not quite sure if I can handle all this. But in the meantime, I aspire swim, bike, run, live happy. I am staunchly convinced that happiness is the best compass to follow, and to do so is only hedonistic if you are.
On some recent emo nights, I walk to SGCC for a quite-late night swim(10plus plus). They aren’t what you can call training. More of therapy. And they are therapeutic. And then I take a nice hot long shower, walk home happy, and wake up the next morning still so. Only gripe being that the showers at SGCC suddenly get significantly colder past 10pm each time. But the water is still warm so it doesn’t seem like the heaters are switched off. Let’s call it the mystery of the not so hot showers.
I love the new showering facilities at Macritchie. It is this open air facility that makes you feel like you are showering in a garden. “Open” also means you are not alone in bathing and are accompanied by fellow females. The first time I was there I felt self conscious and wanted to do what the rest were doing-bathing their soiled running gear-but did not do so mainly because I had to go to work after that and I didn’t want to carry with me thoroughly wet laundry. But as I bathed, it was liberating. In large part because apart from modesty, what that made me apprehensive were the imperfections of my own body. On both counts, what is so embarassing about nudity?
